


forgiveness.

by exausthedbastard



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Character Analysis, Gen, Minor Jake English/Dirk Strider, My First Fanfic, Near Death Experiences, Other, POV Dirk Strider, a.k.a: me, jake is more of symbolism than anything else tbh, like literally the first fanfic ive ever written, read notes for cws, so yeah its not good, sort of hurt/comfort?, the long and comlpex process of healing..., trauma described in loose metaphors by someone whit pstd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29992974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exausthedbastard/pseuds/exausthedbastard
Summary: Dirk sees himself in a forest looking for Jake.





	forgiveness.

**Author's Note:**

> cw// asphyxiation, being lost, very brief implied self harm (?).
> 
> Healing is hard. Just who we are looking for when we go hunting for answers no one knows.

you are in the border of a forest.

  
The woods stretch forever, spiralling away into eternity beyond your eyes. it's horryfing but breathtaking, you can't look away. You feel a migraine settling in.

  
**"You** **shoudn't be here.** **"** says a voice. It sounds muffled and distant, as if someone was screaming through water. You know you shouldn't be here. You know it from the bottom of your heart. That knowledge is heavy and sharp, filling your lungs whit needles. The air feels much thinner than it should be.

  
You squint ,trying to make sense of where you are, but the fog surrounds you as an ocean. It is so thick you can't see anything a meter away from you. The trees and animals move around, just far enough from your vision to be nothing but blurry shadows. The cold mist leaves your skin drenched, it glistens and shines like jewels. You know if would look stunning if you looked down, but you don't. All it does is make you shiver in the cold wind.

  
**"why"** Comes the voice again, sounding less defused, but even more lost.

  
Then the smell hits you. The salty smell of tears and old books never read, the smell of grass and rain from adventures you dreamed of togheter, the gentle aroma of seasonings and meat togheter form the bucolic fantasies of an universe who was kinder to you. The smell of blood, much too old and not human enough, comes whit as well. Metallic and overpowering as always.

  
They mix in a ball in your brain, twirling around whit sharp quick steps, in an erratic yet nostalgic dance. It all feels too big, too strong. You want to cry, you want to bawl your eyes out, scream as loud as you can, but you don't. You know he's listening, and you couldn't bear to let him see see you cry. Not after all you did.

  
You feel a hand drapping around your neck, taking away the few wisps of breath you still could take through the thick forest air. You don't move, you know you deserve what's coming for you. Your legs begin to fail beneath your own weight and you feel yourself trembling, gasping for air, but your mind is so far away that the noise of your knees hitting the floor is nothing more than a nuisance to you.

  
Your eyes start to darken out, constellations dance beneath your half lided eyes as your body desperately fights to survive. Your hands reach onto your neck unvoluntarily, preying away at the hands suffocating you whit no effect. Using the last of your energy you move away your hands from the side of your throat and place them gently on the arms who hold you, as if begging to be let go. You don't know what you could accomplish doing so, but you try regardless.

  
The limbs feels so soft under your fingers. The hairs get entangled in your rings and the skin feels like silk to your chapped and dirty hands. A sharp gasp is heard across the forest as you wrap your hands around their wrist, it sounds shocked and afraid. But you, of course, couldnt hear It. you couldn't bask in the sound of his voice who you missed so dearly. All that filled your ears where white noise and regret.

  
The hands leave your troath in a sudden movement, and you stumble forward, reaching desperately in for support in the arms who held you just now. But nothing breaks your fall as you fall into the ground. The mud covering your face and chest, leaves and sticks getting stuck in your hair. You try to climb to your feet and run away, but all your body can do is flail until youre on your knees. It all hurts and you're so afraid to let him see you like that. You know you cannot trust yourself near him, that you'll just hurt him again if he gets too close.

  
And then comes rain. Cold and harsh, it hits you body whit low rhythmic sounds. The moss covered floor pulsates and shakes beneath your hands and knees.You don't need to look up to know what he's doing. And, as the sound of tear filled gasps floods your ears, you let yourself cry.

  
You tear up at the floor, hiding your face and screaming into the overgrown weeds. Your body racks whit sobs, trembling whit emotions long ignored. Dirt climbs under your nails as you claw your hands into the ground, looking for an anchor, something to hold on.

  
You can feel something pull you into their arms, and you give in. You smear their clean clothes whit mud and tears as you grip their body. You both cry and despair into each others embrace. The creature who once haunted you, who waited at every blink of an eye to see you hurt and to see you harm, cries desperately into your shoulders. Holding you as if you were a dear fading memory.  
You let yourselves hug each other, no sound coming from your lips but the constant falling rain.

**Author's Note:**

> haha this is all a metaphor for being nicer to yourself. I tricked you into reading fluff by just being needlessly wordy and obtuse about everything >:)
> 
> Dirk is not an evil guy btw, he just has the biggest villain complex ever and was somehow able to make us believe that thru the airpumped anime persona he created on hs2. He just really needs to forgive himself for the things he thinks he did as a teen and work on bettering himself.  
> So heres a fisrt step to his healing I guess!  
> 


End file.
